How To Get Over Them

Hi. In my previous blog post I mentioned a bit about exiting a big time relationship last year. And while I’m not going to share any insane details (that wouldn’t be fair to either of us, and also– it does not fucking matter), I learned some little hacks for getting over someone and I wanted to share them.

This post is for the one who is dumped, not the dumper. I’m the one who fucked up, I’m the one who’s blocked, and with the way it’s worked out, I’m ultimately probably the one who gives less of a shit now. ((Then why are you blogging about it??)) Content. Duh.

#1 Change Your Phone Number

Last semester was my first one back since pre Covid, and I took an incredible music business class. One day in a lecture, my Professor was stressing the importance of contact information in the music industry and asked if anyone had changed their phone number in the past six months. A couple other students and I raised our hands, and he responded by telling us to Not do that, and how important it is that other artists from your past have your information so you can get contacted for gigs!! Super valid. But from an absolutely heart shattering, soul crushing, breakup standpoint– change your number. It’s one of the best decisions I ended up making throughout the entire thing.

My Grandma pays my phone bill (clutch) so when I went to visit her in New York last year we took a trip to Metro Piece of Shit so I could get a new number. I lost my precious 212 area code, and I COULD’VE been a (917) 666 but she wouldn’t let me. 😭 It was still worth it. I brought my contact list from about 300 to 50 people. It felt awesome. I want to do it again. People from my past losing my number > potential gigs.

You know what’s the real beauty in changing your phone number as the one who was broken up with? They could text you. They could call you and try to talk to you, but you won’t get it. And they probably won’t, and you’re probably pretty sure that they want you dead, but the thought is nice and freeing. FYI: from a recovering toxic person, your new number isn’t blocked. I mean, do with that information what you will, but I’d say don’t bother contacting them. The W is having the power and ability to do it. It’s a bit sneaky and it feels good for you without hurting anyone else.

#2 Delete Fucking Everything

Get rid of everything that’s digital. Everyone comments on this being the hardest part, I found it the easiest. Pictures of my ex never bothered me but his words did, so I got rid of them. Delete their contact, delete the text thread, and get rid of every single picture you have of them on your phone that doesn’t have you in it. If you have letters or notes, you don’t need to burn them lol, but hide them from yourself and lock them away. My tips are obviously wired to a very specific type of breakup, but an attempt on complete memory wiping was the only way for me to go. If I could’ve done some Eternal Sunshine shit I would have done it. I still have some pictures of me and my old partner, but mostly prints. I’ve got about 3 on my phone, just so that when I meet new friends now and talk about him I can show him off a little bit.

#3 Do Not Look At Their Pages

Might be the most important rule. This was definitely the hardest for me. I spent months reading this man’s Twitter from a web browser first thing in the morning like it was a fucking newspaper. It fucking sucked. All I ever read about was him calling me a shit bass player and how much better his life was without me. I asked for it. I didn’t talk shit about him online when we broke up because I did that while we were together. That was a good decision. Deciphering someone you used to know well from their tweets is a bad fucking idea. He’s a pretty interesting person so one day when I hadn’t stalked his shit for a while I found out it wasn’t there anymore. I’m arguably the best ex girlfriend ever because I will never stop giving you material. I don’t know if he’s active on social media anymore because I don’t look. I mean, it's been a while now so it would be a little psychotic if I was still looking, but at the time it was a really necessary thing for me to quit. As far as an approach for that, I can’t help you. I’m naturally really really really fucking good at quitting things. Just drop it.

#4 Retire Things

This one can burn but I found it helpful. If you and your old partner used to watch a show together, just retire it. I never got to see what happens in Avatar, which sucks, but I will never watch that show again. A cartoon is a bit easier for me to retire because it’s not my preferred form of media. Music was fucking hard. I couldn’t stomach listening to a lot of jazz and some Beatles and wtf that’s supposed to be mine! I could always listen to Charles Mingus though, and I hope at some point his lines made my ex want to puke because I was always the big Mingus fan. My old boyfriend plays an instrument, and in the beginning, I’d skip through Jimmy Knepper’s solos so I didn’t have to hear his instrument. That hurt because it’s MY favorite instrument, but that’s my fault. I also couldn’t listen to A Love Supreme for a very long time because we liked it so much together. One time at my old job in Whole Foods Produce, Koop’s “Come to Me” started playing in the store as I was working. I had never heard the song before, so imagine my surprise as I was stacking apples and had to turn around towards the speaker and ask myself outloud, “is that a fucking trombone?”

#5 Never Make the Same Mistakes

Definitely my favorite tip. When you lose a good person, you’ll beat yourself up over it for a long time. I’ve befriended a man who is much older than me, and he’s told me about a woman he made the wrong decisions with. I was happy to directly realize I’m not alone, but it freaked me out. Like what the fuck??? Am I going to regret the bad choices I made when I was 17 for my entire fucking life? No. I can’t do that to myself. Is the person who I hurt going to hold the bad choices I made when I was 17 against me for their entire life? Uh possibly. You gotta take that L. But in the process of moving forward, do not repeat your old patterns.

Basically, after my old one came to an end I took a long and well deserved break. Couple meaningless talking phases, an alarmingly small handful of sex, and no love whatsoever. I had a small relationship rounding up the year of not having one and it didn’t work out because I was extremely scared of being vulnerable with anyone, even though I knew him well. After that I made a big lifelong promise to myself. I decided that from that point on, every relationship, every fling, every crush, and every friendship I ever have will receive 100% of my effort. For a lot of good people, this is basic. Yeah why wouldn’t you try hard for the people you care about? I don’t know! Bipolar maybe?? I’m an asshole maybe? It stretches a little deeper though.

(A Little Deeper Though)

I work in extremes. I either do something a lot or I don’t do it at all, which is why I vape every two minutes and spend 3 hours in the gym everyday. If I miss a single assignment my grades plummet because I feel like I can’t push past the homework I missed. I randomly decided I was going to be vegan one day and now I’ll never go back. So this is definitely a bipolar disorder trait, and part of me wants a balance of being ✨ able ✨ to do things in a moderate way, but most of me would rather just do what I know.

As far as relationships go, I think I’m doing an okay job now. I’ll definitely post a piece on here in the near future titled “I Don’t Know How to Date.” But for someone who is new at it and slightly sucks at it, I sure act like I know what I’m doing. I’ve found that people have this perception of me that stems from “Oh they’re hot, they must go out and go on dates all the time and they must get it.” I’m good at talking, and I’m great at flirting, but I usually rot in my room all day and hiss at the sun. I’m pretty awkward irl and dating is so foreign to me. But I’m getting better at it, and I feel a sense of security because…

Back to #5

… I put 100% of my effort in. This can get slightly messy in my head, because I started out by questioning if it’s really worth dropping everyone in the roster for one person who I don’t even know likes me back enough. I’ve come to the conclusion that it is. First of all, you’ll never get caught up (sorry, I’m an ex cheater). It’s also the polite thing to do, and if almost everyone in this generation is gonna be a toxic, feelingless asshole then some of us have to be chivalric to bring some fucking balance and teach the rest of them. Mostly, I like having one crush at a time because I can really focus on them and give it all I’ve got.

Trying to my maximum potential now is what I always wanted to do. I always thought about saying compliments and I’d never say them because I’m so naturally aggressive and I didn’t know how it would land. I always wanted to give the people I cared about stupid little gifts and send them 15 bucks for coffee and a snack but I never did because I was afraid of looking pushy. If you do these things and never had a problem with it, I really do salute you. It’s still hard for me to not be cautious with new people in my life. I still follow other people’s lead and reciprocate energy instead of presenting energy myself. I’m working on it.

Huge perk: If you give a hundred percent into your future relationships, you never have to question if you could’ve tried harder. What? You don’t wanna talk to me anymore because all I ever did was make you laugh, give you head, and tell you how handsome you are? Fine by me. You’re obviously still bound to make some mistakes, but if your basics are locked then no ending of anything was due to you being a bad person. I feel like this will seem slightly unrelatable to most people, but I had a vicious cheating and lying problem in my past relationships. I’ll never cheat on anyone ever again. I stopped lying last year. Even the white ones that don’t matter I completely avoid now. It was a big thing for me to start doing.

Final Moving On Tips + Advice

The Glow Up

Get a gym membership. Lol you knew it was coming right? No but seriously, that’s one of the best times you’ll ever have in a gym. Sometimes I feel so close to messaging my ex just for the meme and asking him to call me stupid one last time just so I can go harder in the gym. Besides the new body, it feels good to get wrapped up in exercising. A lot of people treat it as a sort of therapy, and it works. Moving your body is good for you, and filling your body with food is just as equally good for you. You don’t have a partner anymore. Eat all the cake you want.

A body mod glow up is cool. I’m not talking about fake tits, but if you’re a tattoo person like I am, go get a new one so you have a little piece no one has ever seen before. Cut and dye your hair if you want. Get something pierced. It’s fun.

Money Moves

Go get a bag. The hustle period post breakup is insane. I used to HATE when people would mention money being their main focus after heartbreak, but it’s really logical. I’ll still pick any meaningful human relationship over a stack, but it’s a good distraction. I remember my ex coming into town and not having a music stand because he gave it to me. His best friend messaged me with, “hey my friend doesn’t have a music stand…” Your friend? You mean my ex? I don’t think the friend was asked to contact me, but I was so deep in my job at the time I didn’t want to schedule any day to have our mutual come pick it up. And also I wanted the fucking stand. So I sent the friend $50 to go buy him a new one and keep me out of it. 50 bucks for everyone to leave me alone and shut the fuck up? Sold. I sent it quickly since I had been getting a bag. To be fair to myself, this was pretty early in it all. I'd like to think I wouldn't be such a bitch about it today.

Don’t Change Yourself

You might go through the hating phase. Honestly, tap into this, because a huge issue with ending a toxic relationship is your brain will only want to remember the good times. I didn’t really go through a hating phase. I didn’t have a lot of friends through the whole thing and majority of the people around me didn’t know about it, so I didn’t talk a lot of shit. If you ever feel a pure hate for your old partner it’ll probably go away. They’re still a person that you cared a lot about at one point, just avoid going through the hating yourself phase. It’s not worth it. Just keep it pushing.

A big not to do: Do not adjust yourself according to your ex’s standards with the hope of them coming back. This is a huge loss I took and had to learn the hard way. Of course, attempt to be a better person. If there was valid criticism of your character that your partner had to say then fix that. But as far as diminishing who you are because your ex was never a fan of that thing you did? Don’t fucking do it. In a broad explanation, my ex was never into the way I presented myself online, so I quit a certain platform that I was making money on in the hopes that he would budge. He didn’t give a fuck. Obviously.

Taking A Break

Take a fucking sex and love break. You really don’t need to go fuck the world after your ex leaves you. You really shouldn’t fuck anyone for a while. I wasn’t having sex during the Cr*ve times, tragedy, but I definitely would not have been capable of handling it. I’m very happy I avoided serious relationships as I was healing. It wouldn’t have been fair to others, and I would’ve been comparing and contrasting every little thing. And a fun one: the longer you go without sex the less you’ll give a fuck about it. I’m at the point that if I made it to 70 after not having sex for fifty years that would be completely fine with me. Imagine how fucking smart I would be? Get into masturbating or something or go outside and touch some grass. Sex really isn’t everything.

Wait

Everyone says it, you don’t wanna hear it, but it’s still true: give it time. You have to wait. After the relationship that took all these stupid steps to heal, I ended up having a huge crush on someone else. It never worked out, but I realized that I would have loved to date him. He was completely different, really far away from the type I always liked (cough, not a musician) and I could still really see myself as his girlfriend. This helped me soooo much. Post breakup I was really bratty. A lot of, “Fuck this shit I’m never dating anyone again no one will ever be him oh my gosh everything sucks!” I went through a period of telling the people I was casually dating that if my ex ever hit me up they were getting ghosted immediately. Honest but fucked. The phase might be necessary but it passes and it feels incredible when it does. That first real crush again might hit you like a truck, but it’s an ice cream truck and the driver promises you free ice cream for life.

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If you’re struggling with this, I really do wish you luck. It’s hard. You're allowed to miss them. Even if lots of time has passed and you're sure they hate you, you can still miss them from far away. Also, spinning the block isn't necessarily a bad thing. Let the time pass first, and then decide if that's something you'd like to do. Before it, tone into finding yourself throughout the entire thing, it feels good to remember who you are and actively try to make yourself better all alone. Remember to take yourself out on dates and talk to your friends and family. Or your cat.

I hope this reaches someone who needs it and I hope it’s enjoyable.

Love,

Sarah Jane Mandt

Be my friend on Twitter : @donutssarah

Talk shit about your ex in the chat : live chat!

My breakup playlist (click the sad face) : 😕

Xxxxxxxxxx Thank you so much for reading.