Being Bipolar

I am bipolar. A lot of people around me know I’m bipolar, I’m pretty open about it, but I’m not open enough. This is a chance for me to be more open about it.

TW/

/bipolar disorder ?

/alcohol and drugs

/eating disorder

/suicide

I was diagnosed with type 1 bipolar disorder in 11th grade. I figured out I was bipolar about a year and a half prior to that. Shit talk a self diagnosis all you want, but realizing you’re bipolar is the clearest part of being bipolar. My parents got divorced right before I went into middle school, and I had about 5 different therapists from ages 11-14. I was an absolute terror in sixth grade, and I acted up a lot, but every therapist I had said it was a result of my parents’ divorce. It was a pretty ugly divorce that definitely affected me, but looking back at it, I was so obviously struggling with my beginning stages of bipolar disorder. All of those therapists fucking sucked. I remember one by name, and I will see her in Hell.

When I got diagnosed as a junior, it was like “thanks I already knew that, okay bye !” which was responded with something like, “No you are a complete danger to yourself you need to be medicated immediately.” Fair, but the shit they gave me didn’t work and I ended up smoking a ton of weed instead. I was on a drug called Depakote! Depakote is mainly an anticonvulsant (new word) used to treat seizures, but can also stabilize mood during a manic episode. It never did it for me so I just held onto them and saved it for a rainy manic day. Then I “lost” them and freaked out. I don’t think I lost them. I think my mom threw them out because to this fucking day both of my parents have a hard time understanding that I’m bipolar. When I turned 18 I got the present of getting kicked off the family health insurance, so I kissed the chance of getting the correct meds goodbye and I’ve been raw dogging this disorder since.

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I’ve read two books on manic depression so I’ll do some shoutouts. Dr. David J. Miklowitz, your book, “The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide” sucked. Dr. William O. Selig, your book, “When Your Partner Has Bipolar Disorder” also sucked. What is it about the inability to write on this mental health issue to engage someone who is struggling with it? I mean, these people are professionals. And to be honest— if you DON’T have bipolar disorder, these books will probably be somewhat good for you. They cover a lot of medical facts, which was definitely something I took from them, but as far as the feelings? They totally struck out. Kanye West’s discography has done more for me than any book about being bipolar. I’ve personally found solace in r/bipolar. If you think this is a cute and fun illness go visit r/BipolarSOs and read some horror stories.

I see lottttsss of Twitter discourse on feeling manic 🤪 and doing manic 😜 things. Does my emoji use help you read my sarcasm in that? Countless fucking times I’ll be explaining a problem to an acquaintance and just casually mention, “Yeah and I’m bipolar so that’s why this issue is hard for me,” and I get met with, “Ohmigosh same I’m soo bipolar!” Sorry what the fuck are we talking about? Ha I’m a great amount of easy going but this triggers an explosion in me like no other. You don’t want this I promise you, and you bitches wouldn’t last two fucking hours.

You know what’s an interesting thing? If two bipolar people meet, one person is going to mention it before the other. Person #2 responds with having the same disorder, and you can always fucking tell when it’s truthful. The tone isn’t excited, it's exhausted. It’s drained and seems absolutely hollow. Living with manic depression is hard. Like staying alive and living with manic depression is hard. Like not killing yourself with manic depression is hard. Being bipolar takes so much away from you. You don’t want this.

So most are aware, having bipolar disorder is associated with two phases, mania and depression. What isn’t talked about is both phases are not two sides of the same coin. You can’t flip onto one side and totally disregard the other. A more accurate analogy is you’re driving, and there are two lanes that are going to bring you to the same destination. They might spend a little time away from each other, taking a different route with different things to see, but they always meet back up. You’ll sit in one lane for a long while, but for most of the time the other one is coexisting next to you and you can see it. You’ll unknowingly switch to it, because you’re drunk, and the first lane gets to linger along for the time being. Also your car is on fire and the road leads to absolutely nowhere.

It feels weird to even separate mania and depression, because they’re both me, and a lot of the symptoms can overlap and relate to each other. I’ve struggled with various symptoms in both phases, but I’m going to talk about the big ones I experience, under the state when I feel them the strongest.

Mania

My favorite mania misconception is an elevated mood. It might seem like the person is happier or more excited, but really you feel just as sad and broken, you’re just packed to the brim with more energy and more anxiety. This is why I said the thing about the roads.

No Sleep

I know my manic phase is going to hit when I start to have a lot of trouble sleeping. It’ll always happen at the worst time too, like when I’m sleeping over at someone else’s place and I just have to resort to leaving the room and watching a Bill Evan’s concert on YouTube to kill some hours. It’s not a peaceful awake feeling. My head hurts, my chest hurts, and I’m practically fighting myself to just fall asleep. It never works and then I’ll survive on 4-6 hours every night for a few months. The plus in this is you can get a lot of shit done before you inevitably burn out.

Spending Money

Big one. If you do some research on a manic episode, a lot of people talk about gambling their life savings away. I’ve never gambled and I don’t care to, and I wasn’t even able to until recently, so I don’t have this issue. I do have an impulse buying issue when I’m manic. This used to be a bigger problem for me than it is now. What’s helped is I write down every single thing I buy, and I know exactly how much money I have at all times. I also know exactly how much I need to stay alive each month, and then how much I need to be alive and not hate it. The funny thing about my impulse buying is it’s usually clothes, vapes, and vinyl, so I know what to watch out for. I’ve also done plenty of impulse concert tickets, and then by the time the show comes around I’m out of mania and back in depression and I’d rather lay in bed. Lol. Growing up and having a first run in with adulting in Los Angeles helps, you really can’t afford to let a stupid manic episode ruin your finances. If you struggle with this move to NY or something cause it’s expensive there too don’t move to LA I don’t want any more people here.

Alcohol & Drugs

Something about drinking and drugs make you feel so fantastic when you’re manic. Lol. Especially ecstasy, which was always my personal favorite, but I stopped doing drugs in the middle of 2020. As far as alcohol, I decided in February I don’t want to drink for the rest of this year, just to see if I can do it. I don’t struggle with this anymore when I feel mania because it kinda just makes me feel shitty anyway. Let me be clear though, I definitely think about them every single day, manic or depressed. Ha. Especially weed.

Probably worth mentioning I still struggle with a type of substance addiction. I’ve had a disgusting nicotine habit going on four years. I can’t kick it. I remember my generation being like "ew cigarettes" and then they made it so you could get your nicotine high from a little robot that tastes like fruit. I'll rarely pick up an actual cigarette but I do look cool when I do. My big thing was trying to find out if Coltrane smoked cigs after he went sober, and then justifying my habit with that. Whatever.

Absolutely Destroying Relationships

Suuuuuucks. I’ve lost a lot of people due to the fucked up shit I’d say when I was manic. I’m talking really messed up, I would repeat that secret you told me months ago and direct it towards your biggest insecurity to completely rip your heart out. It’s super fucked and I’ve definitely learned how to not do this because it was a huge problem for me. I’ve said unspeakable insults to people. When you’re manic and paired with the weird rage I always carry you will hurt the fuck out of the people close to you. Get this one in check as soon as you can because it’s really important to fix.

Sex & love used to be a big time bipolar problem for me. I’ve expressed this a little bit in the previous blog post, but the mania impulsivity definitely contributed to my cheater mentality. If you go into that subreddit I mentioned, r/BipolarSOs , you’ll read a lot of sad cheating shit. It’s exhausting. I never felt like I was trying to achieve something when I slept with someone that wasn’t my partner. I never thought they were gonna be better, I never had valid feelings for them, and I was never just horny. With mania your mind gets mixed into the rush of lying, the rush of doing something wrong, and you straight up just don’t sit and think for two seconds because your head is fucking wired. It’s awful. Also I’m a woman so it was never about the nut. I mean maybe it would’ve been if that was ever delivered but yeah.

Love sucks when you’re bipolar, but I'm sure it sucks if you're not as well. It can be impulsive and obsessive and unhealthy. I’m not completely sure about where I currently stand with this because I’ve only been in love one time. (How To Get Over Them) . I think I’d be capable of doing a better job now. I’m also older, so I’m a lot more normal about a lot of shit. I think the harder part for me would be getting there, but once I’m there it should be a lot smoother than it ever was. I’m very careful with what I do or say now, manic or not. I always hold any partner to a high regard and I want to be good to them, cause I never was.

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Whenever I feel like I’m about to enter the manic phase it fucking sucks. My anxiety skyrockets, and my brain starts bouncing around faster than it does normally (it’s always fast as fuck!). I talk really rapidly and spill a ton of personal bullshit and freak out the people around me. If there isn’t anyone around me, Twitter gets it and I will unload 20 meaningless tweets in a row. There are perks. I get an ungodly amount of stuff done when I’m manic. I can have two jobs, be in school, work out every day, and do every house chore and errand, all on minimal sleep. I don’t need to eat a lot and I’ll still feel an insane amount of energy. But it’s not sustainable. I’ll commit to multiple obligations and as soon as it goes away I suffer. There are perks, but mania still feels a thousand times worse than depression. My head and my chest hurt the entire time. I come out of it all without remembering what happened. The whole thing turns blurry and I get to be depressed again and try to figure out what the fuck just happened.

Depression

Binge Eating / Restricting

This is the main topic I was searching for answers for in the books I read. And it was discussed for what, half a page? Garbage. I have an eating disorder. I don’t remember a time where the food I was eating wasn’t served with a side of massive anxiety. It’s hard to distinguish if what I struggle with is a result of body dysmorphia, or being bipolar. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s both, but being bipolar is a huge factor. I’m also a female vegan gym rat with the worst metabolism in the entire world, so the odds are definitely stacked against me for the strong desire I have to be lean as fuck. If any plant based fitness baddies on Tiktok tell you it’s easy, they are lying to you. Period. Born female vegan lifters are at the top of the list of difficulty for losing weight and gaining muscle. I’ve done extensive research and I am friends with multiple bodybuilders. I feel lost with this all the time. And being bipolar only makes it worse.

With bipolar 1, I am in a depressive state the majority of my time. And while it’s comfortable, and I’m used to it, this means I get to struggle with eating badly most of the time. Again, vegan, so I don’t eat badly necessarily. I’m also not a junk food vegan, I don’t have much of a sweet tooth, and I’ve always been extremely into vegetables and fruit. I love my produce more than anyone who shops or works at Whole Foods. Quality isn’t an issue for me, it’s quantity.

In a depressive state, I can eat all fucking day. Personally I love snacks and I can’t cook so when I make a meal it’s usually a salad and some side of carbs. It’s healthy and nutrient dense, and the best salad you’ll ever have, but I will go back for 2nds. And 3rds. And 4ths. I definitely do not eat intuitively and I don’t understand when I am full. But food doesn’t bring me any sort of comfort that I need when I’m depressed, it just tastes good and I wanna fucking taste it again. This is where I get confused. I don’t feel better before, during, or after I’ve ate, so what the fuck am I doing it for?

This is just a hell I’ve learned to live with. Now that I want to gain lean muscle mass, it’s become a different kind of worse. Pea protein is a clutch, but it doesn’t fill me up at all and ends up being 75% of my goal calories for the day and then I feel frightened to eat anything else. I feel hungry all day, but I can’t even tell if it’s hunger or my head. When it’s bad and I have nothing planned, I’ll binge. For no reason more than the food is in front of me, I’ll eat it. I can’t keep a lot of food near me for this reason.

I mean, this is a rant at this point, and I really don’t mean to bitch and moan about it, but holy fuck is this just on my head all day long. I’m actively trying to fix it. I really want to fix it. It gets in the way of absolutely everything. My friends want to go out and eat with me, and I can never do that. I want to be able to do that. I’ll get asked out on a dinner date (rare but it happens) and I have to curve because of my anxiety around eating. If a man asks me what I like to do I will say coffee every single time so they don’t know I struggle with eating on a date because I recommend a type of food spot straight up, but I technically don’t have to eat on the date. Worth mentioning... I'm the strict type of plant based. Vegan nazi. I'm not eating at a restaurant that isn't completely vegan. I'll ask a barista to write "oat" on my coffee cup every single time. I already get nervous physically eating the food, I can't get nervous over whether or not it's an animal product. My dad has told me stories of him and his friends going to multiple restaurants back to back and just feasting all day long together. That’s seriously heaven to me. Food is essential but also it’s romantic and communicative and helps humans connect with each other. If I could figure out how to fix this it would elevate my life completely. I also want to clearly state, I have a bad relationship with eating, not a bad relationship with food. I understand they go hand in hand but I love food a lot and it’s very important to me.

I’ve had partners who have helped. I had a boyfriend who was NOT vegan and he would make me a vegan dinner every time I came over and a vegan breakfast every time I woke up the next day. I was always scared and nervous to eat in front of him, but he’s a lot smarter than me in so many ways so I listened to him. What drove me insane was the portions he gave me were always correct. It was always exactly the amount I needed to eat. I seriously could not believe that there are people that just know how much you’re supposed to eat and then just do that without fucking up. Having a partner you can eat next to can help, but it can also hurt if you set them up for failure like I do.

If I have a date I’m not eating that day. I also have to have good workouts 5 days in a row before that, and three days before that looks like protein powder in water plus an apple and berries, two days before is protein powder in water only, and day of is three cups of coffee and nothing else. So writing it out like that makes me feel pyschotic and stupid, but it’s truthful. This is a length I take as someone who is bipolar. You know what the worst part is? When they bail on the date.

I don’t have a cute positive ending to this section. All I can say is I do think I’ll get better soon, especially after my cut, and that’s it. I also know this might be a lifelong issue for me and I’ve accepted that. I also am okay, and I’m learning all the time. Even if I slip up I’m not going to go backwards with this. There was a point where I would restrict myself for multiple days. With the intensity that I exercise now, that’s not possible anymore. Plus it’ll fuck with my gains which is a no no. And an unfortunate, whatever comment I receive on this section will go in one of my ears and straight out the other. You can’t help me with this because I will not listen to you. I’m bipolar and I’m stubborn.

Curving My Friends / Sulking

I talked a bit about curving my friends due to feeling pressure to accompany any activity with food. This is true, but I can also just curve because I feel fucking shitty. And I feel fucking shitty most of the time, so I don’t see my friends a lot. I’ll set a plan and cancel it until I feel like it would be crazy to not show up four times in a row. I feel like I’ve never clearly communicated this, so I don’t know why my friends still like me. I mean, I’m a great person with my words, but I don’t give them a lot of my time because I get too stressed out over it. It’s unfortunate.

I always feel tired. I can sleep and sulk for a long time in a depressive state. I used to not move for a few days. My fitness journey is the complete way I fixed this. It’s a dedicated routine now, so I’m forced to step outside at least once a day. A zero day sucks all around. I like small spaces and the ground when I’m depressed (Lol) so if I’m feeling it, I’ll hide under my desk or in my closet for a few hours and take a nap. I don’t have any zero days anymore and it feels great. I don’t think I’ll ever fall off the horse either, because when you get older there’s more shit to do when you have goals, so you lose the luxury of wasting time being sad. You gotta keep it pushing and get all your shit done. And be sad at the same time.

Suicidal Thoughts

They’re constant. Regardless of whether I am in mania or depression, I will think of suicide every couple of hours. I’m so used to it that it’s easy to push away. I don’t want to commit suicide. I have a lot of shit to get done before I die and I want to be very old and smart. The fucked up bipolar thing is my brain fantasizes about this shit without my permission. It’s a weird one to explain, but basically part of me just romanticizes the feeling of whatever method I’m thinking about. And I don’t know what it feels like, obviously, but I get convinced that it’s beautiful. I’m an Atheist, it’s not any imagination of any sort of afterlife, it’s the feeling of doing the action that part of me falls in love with. I’ll save the details because they’re based on absolutely nothing and they’re gory. One side of my head will beg the other side to go through with it, and it’s just a back and forth for a while. I’m not gonna commit suicide. It’s not something I want to do. Don’t 5150 me. I’m not hopeless. This is just how my brain works and I’m explaining it.

Staying alive is my #1 priority 100% of the time. I can never let the other side win cause it’s so fucking lame. It gets in the way of a lot but it doesn’t matter. I get pretty jealous to think about people being able to prioritize something else when I don’t have a choice. But these are the breaks. That’s literally what a chemical imbalance does. I just make sure I’m smart about it and remember how strongly I want to be old and gray.

Insecurities

This one sucks. Body dysmorphia is a thing, but honestly I feel like there’s gotta be some bullshit in that. I mean, I look at myself everyday, NAKED, if anyone knows what I look like, it’s me. It’s hard for me to believe that my head is so warped that I’m seeing a couple pounds that aren’t there. I’m non-binary with a very feminine body type, so I think a lot of my physical insecurities stem from there. I tend to chase a body type I will never be able to achieve, so I try to let it go as much as I can. I also can’t figure out if I want bigger boobs, no boobs, or three boobs.

Face is ok. Sometimes I look great and sometimes I don’t. I’m still a sexy heartbreaking motherfucker so I don’t dwell on it too much. I like my face a lot more than I did as a teenager. I used to wear a lot of makeup and I got over it and it was really freeing. I’ve probably spent a couple grand on eyelash extensions over the years. Lol fuck, 🤷🏻‍♀️, I had to figure it out at some point. I’m excited to get older, I think I’ll get hotter.

Majority of my insecurities are knowledge ones. I feel stupid all of the time. Stupid is a fucked up one, because my ex loved calling me stupid so it always stings. I feel stupid in school and mostly with music, which I’m not sure how to get over. I just try not to think about it. Another sad symptom is losing interest in the things you used to love. I’m not comfortable talking about this yet.

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I’m comfortable being depressed. It’s what I know, it’s what was first, and it’s easier to manage because I’m present almost the entire time. Out of both phases, there’s obviously one specific symptom that got the majority of my time and attention for this post. It’s a big deal for me right now. It definitely connects directly to the insecurity symptom, which bothers me because I’m not an insecure person. At all. I’m very happy with myself.

I care a lot about what other people think. I care a lot about what people from my past who don’t even know me anymore think of me. And they aren’t thinking of me. Humans are inherently selfish because ultimately we live and die alone. And I know this, but I still find myself giving way too much of a fuck. Currently, I’m trying to get this one in check because it is such a useless thought process. There’s no point in me trying to impress anyone when I impress myself every single day. The blog helps because I have a space to just spill shit I’m insecure over. I definitely get nervous posting this kind of stuff, don’t think I don’t. I definitely feel anxious right after I post, and then for the next two days. I most definitely get freaked out imagining what other people will think of me after I write something. But I know that even if everything I ever write about is unrelatable, it’s possible that at least one person can feel less alone. That’s the whole point.

The Awesome

Ok so now I’ve presented a glimpse of what my bipolar disorder looks like. And I feel like the response is something along the lines of, “This sounds like it sucks? When Ye said ‘I hate being bipolar it’s awesome’ what did he mean by it’s awesome? How could this shit be awesome??”

Sooo it definitely is awesome. I’m happy I’m bipolar. And I might be delusional and I might be a little blinded, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love the fast pace of it all. I like being forced to learn lessons quickly because of the wear it brings if I don’t. I like the life or death, sink or swim feeling. I love the extremes. I’m grateful for the perspective it’s given me of the world. I love what it does for my art. I love the way certain lyrics smack the shit out of me. I love how special and important it makes me feel.

More than anything, I love the way I look at other people. I value human relationships very strongly, and I would die for the people close to me with zero hesitation. There’s also some people I’ve never spoken to who I see all the time, either in my mentions, at the gym, or at the places I frequent, who I would take bullets for. For no reason other than I like seeing them, and I’m extreme.

Things That Help Me

• Having Something to Look Forward To

Big or small. The JPEGMAFIA and Danny Brown collaboration album of the cup of coffee you get to drink tomorrow morning. Anything is valid.

• Bojack Horseman

I can’t wait to write about the love I hold for this cartoon. It’s centered around mental health and it’s absolutely fantastic. It’s helped me so much in feeling less alone.

• Music

Anything you like works, but I would recommend listening to music with substance. I don’t wanna sound like a douchebag, but the majority of the time a 4 chord hit isn’t going to heal you. Unless it’s Primadonna Girl. Obviously.

• My Cat

Like I said Atheist, but if there is a God it’s my cat and her name is Milkshake. If you’re a pet person, stay close to yours. They need you. You can’t leave them.

• Talking

Talk to your people and let them know what’s up. Your honesty is appreciated and you’ll build better relationships.

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Okay. That’s it.

This was hard to write about but it had to be done.

If you made it, I really appreciate you. Endlessly. This blog has been a lot of heavy stuff because I felt like I needed to get it out there. It’s a fast writing process because it’s what I think about all the time. But, I gotta chop it up a little. It takes a lot out of me. There's some shit in this post that I've never even admitted to myself outloud.

I’m excited to switch gears and do things like music reviews or life updates or funny short stories and stupid little lists. I think it’ll bring me out of my comfort zone and force me to be a bit more poetic and engaging with my writing.

I’ll always find a way to pull some big personal pieces like this out, because they’re important to me.

This post marks four weeks since I’ve started, and the positive response I’ve gotten is insane. I always wanted to do this but I really wasn’t expecting the love I’ve received. Thank you all so fucking much.

Love,

Sarah Jane Mandt

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